The good news:

Under the new plan, travelers may carry drinks and other items purchased in the secure areas of the airport. They also may bring travel-size lip gloss, hand lotion and other toiletries of 3 ounces (90 ml) or less that will be subject to screening and then placed in a small clear plastic bag.

The bad news: The Deputy Homeland Security Secretary is a gentleman named Michael Jackson. As such, liquids will only be allowed on the plane if the passenger wears a single white glove, travels with a companion who will hold an umbrella over his/her head at all times, and is willing to board the plane backwards while grabbing his/her crotch.

The things we do for safety...