Question: How long do you have to be married before an acceptable Valentine's Day gift can be cobbled together at FYE Music Store, Duane Reade Drug Store, and Penn Station New York between the hours of 5:30pm and 6:00pm on February 14th?

Answer: 12 years, 7 months.

(Obligatory note to horrified females married less than 12 yrs, 7 mos: her gift to me was purchased entirely at Hallmark, and I'm absolutely fine with that.)