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It Takes Two to Sandwich

By Brian | November 28, 2006 | Share on Facebook

- One shopping mall lease with Panera Bread
- One stipulation that the mall cannot lease to another sandwich shop
- One shopping mall lease with Qdoba Mexican Grill (same mall)
- One chef from Cambridge willing to file an affidavit
- One New Webster Third International Dictionary (2002 Edition)
- One former high-ranking federal agriculture official
- One judge with absolutely nothing important to do with his time


Mix the Panera Bread lease and the no-other-sandwich-shops stipulation in a large bowl. Let simmer for five years at room temperature. Then add the Qdoba lease. Increase the heat until the mixture reaches a boil. Then, fold in the chef’s affidavit, which says:

I know of no chef or culinary historian who would call a burrito a sandwich. Indeed, the notion would be absurd to any credible chef or culinary historian.

Maintain the boil until a legal opinion forms on the judge. Add the Webster’s dictionary and a former high-ranking federal agriculture official as needed. When the opinion is fully baked, remove and serve:

The New Webster Third International Dictionary describes a “sandwich” as “two thin pieces of bread, usually buttered, with a thin layer (as of meat, cheese, or savory mixture) spread between them.” (Merriam-Webster, 2002). Under this definition and as dictated by common sense, this court finds that the term “sandwich” is not commonly understood to include burritos, tacos, and quesadillas, which are typically made with a single tortilla and stuffed with a choice filling of meat, rice, and beans. As such, there is no viable legal basis for barring [the Qdoba lease].

Garnish to taste but, under penalty of law, don’t call it a sandwich!

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