The World Wide Weird
The Space Shuttle’s Y2K Problem
Monday, December 11th, 2006I think at this point, we can all agree that the Space Shuttle is a remarkable piece of technological achievement. So you can imagine my surprise when I found this in an article about tonight’s nighttime launch:
NASA officials were glad to get the shuttle off their ground since they wanted it back on Earth by the new year.
Shuttle computers are not designed to make the change from the 365th day of the old year to the first day of the new year while in flight. The space agency has figured out a solution for the New Year’s Day problem, but managers are reluctant to try it.
Right, ’cause when you build a space shuttle, you just assume that NASA will always take Christmas week off… Sheesh!
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Plane Lands Due to Too Much Gas
Thursday, December 7th, 2006Flatulence leads US jet to divert (sent in by alert reader, Mike Starr):
An American Airlines plane made an emergency landing in Nashville after passengers reported the smell of sulphur from burning matches. The matches were found on the seat of a woman who had attempted to conceal the odour of flatulence with the matches, Nashville airport authorities said.
All 99 passengers and five crew left the plane while it was searched. The woman was questioned by the FBI but released without charge and allowed to board another American Airlines flight.
“It was determined that she was trying to conceal body odour,” said Lynne Lowrance of the Nashville Airport Authority. She had “no malicious intent but had struck matches which is against [Transport Security Administration] rules,” Ms Lowrance said.
The unidentified woman had an unspecified medical condition, Associated Press news agency said. She was carrying safety matches, which the TSA allows in carry-on luggage. The matches are not allowed to be struck, however.
Couldn’t she just blame a kid in the row behind her like everyone else?
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It Takes Two to Sandwich
Tuesday, November 28th, 2006INGREDIENTS:
– One shopping mall lease with Panera Bread
– One stipulation that the mall cannot lease to another sandwich shop
– One shopping mall lease with Qdoba Mexican Grill (same mall)
– One chef from Cambridge willing to file an affidavit
– One New Webster Third International Dictionary (2002 Edition)
– One former high-ranking federal agriculture official
– One judge with absolutely nothing important to do with his time
Mix the Panera Bread lease and the no-other-sandwich-shops stipulation in a large bowl. Let simmer for five years at room temperature. Then add the Qdoba lease. Increase the heat until the mixture reaches a boil. Then, fold in the chef’s affidavit, which says:
I know of no chef or culinary historian who would call a burrito a sandwich. Indeed, the notion would be absurd to any credible chef or culinary historian.
Maintain the boil until a legal opinion forms on the judge. Add the Webster’s dictionary and a former high-ranking federal agriculture official as needed. When the opinion is fully baked, remove and serve:
The New Webster Third International Dictionary describes a “sandwich” as “two thin pieces of bread, usually buttered, with a thin layer (as of meat, cheese, or savory mixture) spread between them.” (Merriam-Webster, 2002). Under this definition and as dictated by common sense, this court finds that the term “sandwich” is not commonly understood to include burritos, tacos, and quesadillas, which are typically made with a single tortilla and stuffed with a choice filling of meat, rice, and beans. As such, there is no viable legal basis for barring [the Qdoba lease].
Garnish to taste but, under penalty of law, don’t call it a sandwich!
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Wouldn’t it be funny if OJ, oh wait – nevermind…
Thursday, November 16th, 2006Have you ever noticed that anything O.J. Simpson does sounds like a parody of something that O.J. Simpson would do? Take, for instance, this:
O. J. Simpson . . . has written a book and will appear on television telling “how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible,” his publisher and the Fox television network said on Tuesday.
According to a news release, the book and the TV special, which has a working title of “O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened,” will depict Mr. Simpson describing “how he would have carried out the murders he has vehemently denied committing for over a decade.”
As far as I can tell, this is not a joke. If it were a joke, it wouldn’t be all that funny because it would sound so unbelievable…
Categories: News and/or Media, The World Wide Weird | 2 Comments »
Watch me Steal a Rabbit from Your Hat
Saturday, November 11th, 2006From the “Criminals Get What They Deserve” file, we have three teenagers who tried to mug David Copperfield:
Copperfield, 50, and two female assistants were walking from the Kravis Center to their tour bus when they were approached by the teens [on] April 23. The assistants handed over money and a cellphone, but the illusionist turned his pockets inside out to reveal nothing, although he was carrying his passport, wallet and cell phone.
“He said in depositions that he had things on him, but it wasn’t difficult to make it seem like there was nothing there,” prosecutor Sherri Collins said.
And to prove that these kids still don’t get it, here’s a quote from one of the lawyers:
“Terrance was remorseful for what occurred, has told the truth about his involvement and would like everything to disappear,” said his attorney, Franklin Prince.
Hmmm….. Now who does Terrance know that can make things disappear???
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Give the kid a break…
Thursday, October 26th, 2006There are some things in life I’ll never understand. Like this, for instance.
I understand why a three-year old would play the “Crane” carnival game to try and get a stuffed Spongebob Squarepants toy.
I understand why he’d crawl into the machine through a small opening after failing to get the toy with the crane.
I understand why the boy’s grandmother would be a nervous wreck when the arcade owner told her he couldn’t find the key and had to call the local fire department.
I understand how the boy would find all of this very amusing, rolling around inside the machine and hugging all the stuffed animals.
I understand how relieved everyone would be when the firefighters passed the three-year old a screwdriver, and talked him through opening the interior latches on the machine to free himself.
What I don’t understand is why, after having a 3-year old crawl into your machine, losing the key, calling the fire department, and watching as the firemen talk the 3-year old through freeing himself, why – after this entire, gut-wrenching ordeal – you would make the decision to send him home WITHOUT THE STUFFED SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS TOY!!!!
I mean, come on already, hasn’t the kid been through enough?
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Pink Flamingos threatened with extinction, but life finds a way…
Monday, October 23rd, 2006Jason Bennion reports on this article, which heralds the extinction of the famed Pink Flamingo lawn ornament. It seems Union Products of Leominster, MA is going out of business due to increased costs, loss of financing, and because seriously – who buys pink flamingos anymore?
Robert Thompson, professor of popular culture at Syracuse University, provides the money quote:
Let’s face it – as iconic emblems of kitsch, there are two pillars of cheesy, campiness in the American pantheon. One is the velvet Elvis. The other is the pink flamingo.
But then, the principle of scarcity sets in. We all desire what we cannot have. Take Mike Smollon, firefighter from Boynton Beach, FL (had to be from Florida, eh?):
“I never owned a pink flamingo before,” Smollon said. “To be honest, I used to think this was the kind of a thing only a girl would put in her yard. But when I found out the factory was closing, I thought, ‘This is something historical happening.’ “
Smollon went to the factory and bought 11 sets of pink flamingos and one set of the commemorative gold flamingos that were made for 2007, which would have been the bird’s 50th birthday. He plans to keep a few and give the rest to flamingo-loving friends.
It gets better. He looked up the former president of Union Products, got him to autograph a couple of the birds, as well as a copy of his book, “The Original Pink Flamingos: Splendor on the Grass.” Here’s a man who will be sad to see the demise of our faux-feathered friends.
But wait! A small sliver of hope exists! The article is contains this picture, which is accompanied by the following caption:
FOR THE RECORD:
The article in Thursday’s Section A about Union Products ending production of its patented pink flamingo lawn ornament after 49 years included a photo of flamingos in a frontyard in Ventura. The ornaments shown were not made by Union Products.
If there were ever a case for evolution, this is it. A new strain of pink flamingo has been discovered in the wild. Hopefully, this species will find ways to propogate more successfully than the genetically inferior Flamingus Unionus Productus, who lost out to its most common natural predator – red ink.
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Time to Move to New Jersey…
Monday, October 16th, 2006I heard this over the weekend, but haven’t seen much coverage of it in the mainstream news:
Cory Lidle’s doomed plane didn’t just crash into anybody’s apartment.
It exploded into the empty bedroom of Kathleen Caronna, the Manhattan woman who was critically injured when a balloon knocked part of a lamppost onto her head during the 1997 Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Ms. Caronna was on her way home at the time, so the damage this time was emotional, rather than physical. Still, she’s gotta start feeling like the city is out to get her, no?
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Porn, Schmorn – A real reason for parental controls on the internet…
Wednesday, September 27th, 2006Check this out:
Jack Neal briefly became the proud owner of a pink convertible car after he managed to buy it for 9,000 pounds ($17,000) on the Internet despite being only three years old.
I could so see my kids doing this, it’s not even funny…
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Good News and Bad News for Airport Security
Monday, September 25th, 2006Under the new plan, travelers may carry drinks and other items purchased in the secure areas of the airport. They also may bring travel-size lip gloss, hand lotion and other toiletries of 3 ounces (90 ml) or less that will be subject to screening and then placed in a small clear plastic bag.
The bad news: The Deputy Homeland Security Secretary is a gentleman named Michael Jackson. As such, liquids will only be allowed on the plane if the passenger wears a single white glove, travels with a companion who will hold an umbrella over his/her head at all times, and is willing to board the plane backwards while grabbing his/her crotch.
The things we do for safety…
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