The World Wide Weird
(click to enlarge image)
“Corner Store? It’s not even on the corner!” – Avery, age 11
As some of you may have heard, the rumor is that the world is going to end on May 21, 2011. Well, I have plans next week, so I figure I’d Google it and investigate. Check out the rather alarming (or comforting?) Google autocomplete on the subject:
OK, so here’s where we stand so far: 2011 seems to be maintaining its lead, but 2012 is coming on fast. 2013 seems to be struggling badly, trailing even poor ol’ 2010, who is severely handicapped in the race, given that it exists only in the past. Stay tuned to this station for further polling data as it becomes available…
Whoever designed this Times Square ad must have been the same guy that named the six-book HGTTG series a trilogy:
I came across a T-Mobile billboard ad the other day which contained a rather interesting disclaimer:
In case you can’t read it, here it is blown up:
…and in case you can’t read that, here’s what it says:
T-mobile and the magenta color are registered trademarks of Deutsche Telekom AG. (c) 2010 T-Mobile USA, Inc.
So, question: can they really trademark the color magenta? If so, I can see a class-action lawsuit against every kid who ever used a box of Crayola crayons coming. And you thought those RIAA folks were bad…
Some random humor from my e-mail inbox:
First, my friend Jeff Porten shows what happens when you eat lamb chops while listening to Elton John:
Bo combs my fleece next morn adorned
Zero hour six AM
And I’m gonna be munching grass and straw till then
The NASA satellite was low and tight
That caught my sheepskin fuzz
Ovis aries meets Ares
And I think it’s gonna be a long long time
Got four legs waving in the air sublime
I’m not the lamb they think is all alone
Oh no no no. I’m a rocket lamb.
Rocket lamb, glad I’m wearing wool ’cause it’s awf’ly cold.
Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Leave them with the goats’ next door
Or their heads will bug out bad like Arnold’s did.
I see Spirit stuck there, down in the sand
In space there’s no one to hear you bleat
A rocket lamb, a rocket lamb.
And this orbit is still stuck on full repeat
No fancy gyroscope gives me a sign
I’d be better off as gyro meat
Oh no no no no no. I’m a rocket lamb.
Rocket lamb, Peep has no business raising sheep
Not to be outdone, Steve Walsh responded with this Paul McCartney tribute:
Well the grain exploded with a mighty crash, as we leapt over the trough,
And the first one said to the second one, “baaah”
Lamb on the run, lamb on the run,
And the farmer man and the upholstery stand, were searching everyone,
For the lamb on the run, lamb on the run, lamb on the run, lamb on the run
Well the shearer drew a heavy sigh, seeing no spool of wool had come,
And a bell was ringing in the village square, for the rabbits on the run
[NOTE: actual line!]
Lamb on the run, lamb on the run.
OK, so the first one is cute, but the second one is a challenge. So at that point, I turn to Billy Joel for inspiration:
There’s nine in our flock on a Saturday
But yesterday it was ten
There’s a sheep dog standing next to me
Making sure no one else leave the pen
He says, “Son, you appear to be musical
which for you, might seem quite absurd
But if you would please bleat a song that is sweet
Then I can keep track of this herd
baa baa baa, b- b- baa baa
baa baa, b- b- baa, baa baaaaaaaaaaaaa
Sing us a song, you’re the piano lamb
Sing us a song right now
’cause Mary is peeved I let one of you leave
and now she’s stuck eating the cow..
So there you go. Three guys writing song parodies who aren’t the least bit sheepish…
(Too much? Yeah, you’re right. Sorry…)
I just got this e-mail at work today:
The copy goes on & on about how good the pretzels are, but all I can think of when I look at the ad is “Now at Rockefeller Center: GLOWING PRETZELS!”
Memo to Auntie Anne: next time a little lighter on the Photoshop, ‘mkay?
In the preseason game between the Yankees and the Twins today, Twins’ leadoff hitter Denard Span hit a foul ball in the first inning, which made it into the stands just past the third-base dugout, and hit his mother in the shoulder. Paramedics treated her at the scene, and she returned to her seat (a different seat this time) by the next inning. From today’s New York Post:
Wanda Wilson was wearing a Span jersey and sitting with about 20 family members and friends near the third-base dugout. Span took a defensive swing in the first inning and sent a liner into the low box seats, hitting her near the shoulder.
A stunned Span sprinted into the stands and stayed with his mother while she got treatment. The split-squad game was delayed for a few minutes as she walked to first aid, and the Twins said she was sore but OK.
And if you think that’s strange, check out the Peanuts cartoon that appeared in today’s papers:
How’s that for a coincidence?!?
(Hat tip: Lee Salz and Mike Starr for putting these two items together)
The CEO of the Tribune Company has posted a list of 119 broadcast news cliches that he doesn’t want his anchors or reporters to use anymore on the air.
But what’s even stranger is that Ian Chillag of National Public Radio has put them all in a single sentence:
In other news, stay tuned, because in our top story tonight, some really good (or bad) news: as expected, in a surprise move yesterday, informed sources say, a world class icon, diva, mother of all motorists, and famed undocumented alien, lauded for putting area residents at risk and in harm’s way, but at this point in time behind bars for allegations that — according to sketchy details that, to be fair, have officials and authorities under fire for speaking out — he reportedly engaged in shower activity with all of you folks at 5 am in the morning, underwent surgery, utilized an undisclosed vehicle in torrential rain in a near miss manhunt when it was time for a break, literally fled on foot, completely surprised his mother with a clash with bare naked police behind closed doors, definitely possibly completely destroyed a medical hospital under false pretenses, and is lucky to be alive after, the fact of the matter is, he lent a helping hand to a legendary incarcerated pedestrian lone gunman (the perpetrator who over in a neighboring state, perished in a perfect storm of no brainers and things that went terribly wrong, and was plagued by killing sprees in which he gave 110% only to have his senseless murders marred by the untimely deaths of guys and folks whose fatal deaths came in the wake of auto accidents, and while it may be a mute point, let’s everybody touch base on the fact that he was under seige in the wake of unrest after shots rang out in close proximity of the best kept secret on the campaign trail which had authorities reeling up in one place and down in another, and going forward, the alleged aftermath of the death toll for youths behind the podium exceeds those out there, down there, and out in that other place by a two to one margin), is seeking white stuff for those of you that want it, and thus, we’ll explain what he did when we’ll be back — we’ll be right back, after the break and after these commercial messages, and we say “we’re back,” “welcome back,” or “welcome back everybody.”
For more on this story, film at eleven…
This just in: Bernie Madoff’s daughter-in-law, Stephanie Madoff, has asked the New York Supreme Court for permission to change her last name, and the last name of her two sons, from “Madoff” to “Morgan,” citing security concerns amidst death threats received by the Madoff family.
So, just to review: Bernie Madoff’s family wants/needs to change their name, but Osama bin Laden’s wife and son are fine co-authoring a book using their given name.
It’s a strange world, folks. I wonder which family engenders more anger these days…
Hey – sorry I’ve been away so long. Sometimes I’ve got a dozen things I want to talk about & sometimes I go a week with nothing to say. Funny, that…
Anyway, to make it up to you all, here are the instructions for accessing the WiFi at the Omni Hotel in Charlotte, NC. As you can see, it’s as easy as 1-2-3 (or something like that):