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How People Found Me – 2009 Edition
By Brian | December 24, 2009 | Share on Facebook
Back by popular demand (well, OK, back by Ilya’s demand, but heck – I’m easy…), it’s a roundup of the most interesting and/or disturbing Google searches that led people to I Should Be Sleeping.
I used to do this monthly, but eventually slacked off. So, to make up for it, I’ve culled through the 5,930 different queries that brought people here this year, and pulled out my favorite 50. I even divided them into categories for your reading pleasure…
1) The Financial Funnies
Since this year was all about the collapsing financial markets, I thought I’d start with some “money funnies…” (sorry, but you might as well be warned, it’s going to be that kind of blog post…):
| Query | Comments |
| dick fuld astrological birth chart | This guy has a different theory on why Lehman Brothers went out of business… |
| harvard man washes urinals | And you thought the recession was over… |
| how do i hack into the swift network | Well, you start by being a little more subtle than Googling around for directions… |
| time magizine people who caused banking | I think I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: bankers and customers. |
2) Hi-Tech Hijinks
When you write about technology once in a while, you’re bound to get a few Google glitches:
| Query | Comments |
| capslock-sleeping | i’d use proper capitalization, but my caps-lock key is taking a nap right now… |
| cool things to do with camera | OK – other than, you know, taking pictures – I’m struggling to think of a second thing you can do with a camera… |
| digital camera for idiots | Perhaps we just shouldn’t let them take pictures. Then there’d be no need for this product… |
| excel macro to create family tree | Click here for more cousins… |
| how do i hook up an ethernet cable to the phone line | Those are both wires. I think, perhaps, you should go ask your teenage kids for help. |
| i phone bursting into flames | You do? I hope you’re calling 9-1-1… |
| iphone nose | Want to stop and smell the roses? There’s an app for that! |
| why won’t it let me on webkinz? it says my password is wrong | I think perhaps this guy has already found the answer to his question… |
3) Hollywood Hilarity
The world of entertainment is never a bad source for, well, entertaining queries:
| Query | Comments |
| disney koolaid | You know, it’s one thing to drink the Disney Kool-Aid. It’s quite another to Google around looking for it… |
| disney wonder bathroom fragrance | For people who want their bathrooms to smell like a Disney cruise ship (see Kool-Aid, Disney above). |
| simon cowell and mel gibson look alike | Top result of this search: No. No, they don’t. (Editor’s Note: Sadly, not true) |
| tiger woods facial recognition | Heh…this query probably meant something totally different earlier in the year than it means today. |
| upgrade r2-d2 to bluray | “You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you’re my only hope. Also, if you could upgrade him to blu-ray, that’d be great. Thanks!” |
| what space shuttle was honored by its use of its name in a star trek movie | OK, if you’re thinking “Enterprise,” then I’m sorry to inform you that the shuttle was named for the Star Trek ship, not the other way around… |
4) Musical Mirth
This year, several of the more musical queries managed to hit a wrong note or two:
| Query | Comments |
| a song about graphs | “Because you’re mine. . . . I draw a line.” Or perhaps: “You’re just too good to be true; can’t take my pies off of you.” |
| billy joel just the way you are analyzed | It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday, the patient lies down on the couch…. |
| does billy joel’s piano have a teleprompter | Yes, yes it does. Billy Joel’s piano almost never speaks without a script. |
| good night my angle bill joel | “Goodnight my angle?” Would this be “acute” lyric? Or am I being obtuse? |
| sleeping rapping | Another truly disturbing sleep disorder. I mean, if having two turntables in the bed isn’t disturbing enough, there’s all that noise… |
| whats the name of the song that goes la de da de dum on verizon phone | Jeez, I hope they spelled those lyrics correctly. Typos can really negatively affect search results… |
5) Isn’t That Ironic?
These were the best of the worst (or something like that):
| Query | Comments |
| best bad food | But if it’s bad food, then how can it be – oh, nevermind… |
| best error message ever | “Your formula contains an error.” Oh, man – that’s a classic. Sometimes I type in wrong formulas on purpose, just to see it… |
| narcissistic blogs | On the one hand, it’s a bit of an insult that this query led to my blog. On the other hand, the person was looking for it… |
| new york rangers stadium phone number | You might want to try Googling Madison Square Garden. Also known as the “World’s Most Famous Arena.” Perhaps they should get a different nickname? |
6) Sleeping Around
With a name like I Should Be Sleeping, people are going to ask questions:
| Query | Comments |
| i am sleeping all my life | Sleep Googling – a dangerous affliction… |
| pitchers of people sleeping | Because once you’re ordering four or five sleeping people, it’s just easier to get a pitcher… |
| violation of sleeping rights | “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of a really good nap.” |
7) Stupid Criminals
A couple of people broke the laws of common-sense Googling this year:
| Query | Comments |
| a picture you killed abraham lincoln | This person apparently believes someone is going to confess to the crime… |
| does light dissuade criminals | Local police chief does internet research on his latest crime prevention program: daylight. |
8) Funny . . . or maybe a little scary?
These queries were more disturbing than anything else:
| Query | Comments |
| air force bloopers | “Hey – remember that time when Johnson flew all the way across the Atlantic with his blinker on? That was heee-larious!” |
| birthday tricks on people like flamingos in the yard | This guy sounds like quite the prankster… |
| boys hugging house | I know Dorothy said “There’s no place like home,” but this is a bit much, don’t you think? |
| can i get sick from touching a geico | Well, if you could, I’m guessing they’d offer health insurance too. Perhaps you meant “gecko?” |
| highway blogging | The precursor to texting while driving… |
| what’s wrong with anti semitism? | Oh, lord – please let there be more results for this than the one about the bear doing the moon walk (Editor’s Note: 531,000 – proof that some sanity still exists in the world). |
| zombies funny | Oh, yeah – zombies are hilarious. They really kill at the local comedy clubs. (Editor’s Note: sorry…) |
9) Generic Google Guffaws
These were so weird, I couldn’t even categorize them:
| Query | Comments |
| how many f’s are in this sentence | Now we’re asking Google brain teasers? Did he actually expect an answer? |
| man in bear suit doing moon walk | Oh, lord – please let there be, at most, one result for this search. (Editor’s Note: 47,200…) |
| roughly 25% of us use two of these a day what are they? | Again with the trivia? New from Google Labs in 2010: Google Guesses. Give it a riddle, and it tires to guess the answer. Most common result: “Who’s There?” |
| art turkeys | Most popular search result: Vincent Van Gobble… |
| president electoral vote of 1014-62 | Well, given that there’s only 538 of them, one can only hope this search produces zero results. (Editor’s Note: 9) |
10) A Dirty Mind
And then there’s the porn. Well, not exactly porn, but people who go looking for, shall we say, adult entertainment online, and wind up at my site somehow. Each time I do this, I take solace in the fact that when they got here, I can be pretty sure they were disappointed:
| Query | Comments |
| and he’s talking to davy who’s still in the navy +homo | Oh, come on – it says right there they were just talking… |
| bathing no close | Also known as “bathing far away?” I don’t think this person Googled what he he Googled… |
| excel macro suggestive | Porn industry continues to innovate. New this year: suggestive macros. “Hey, big boy, click on this button and I’ll fill your column with numbers, if you know what I mean…” |
| why are there two people making out on my bed when i should be sleeping | I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that maybe it’s not your bed… |
| how to photograph your naked wife | Tip #1: get off of Google and talk to her about it… |
Well, there it is: my top 50 queries of 2009. Quite a year, huh?
Topics: Tech Talk | 4 Comments »
Also, I put the dirty stuff at the end, because I know that’s the category you find funniest…
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