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How People Found Me – 2009 Edition

By Brian | December 24, 2009 | Share on Facebook

Back by popular demand (well, OK, back by Ilya’s demand, but heck – I’m easy…), it’s a roundup of the most interesting and/or disturbing Google searches that led people to I Should Be Sleeping.

I used to do this monthly, but eventually slacked off. So, to make up for it, I’ve culled through the 5,930 different queries that brought people here this year, and pulled out my favorite 50. I even divided them into categories for your reading pleasure…

1) The Financial Funnies

Since this year was all about the collapsing financial markets, I thought I’d start with some “money funnies…” (sorry, but you might as well be warned, it’s going to be that kind of blog post…):

dick fuld astrological birth chartThis guy has a different theory on why Lehman Brothers went out of business…
harvard man washes urinalsAnd you thought the recession was over…
how do i hack into the swift networkWell, you start by being a little more subtle than Googling around for directions…
time magizine people who caused bankingI think I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: bankers and customers.

2) Hi-Tech Hijinks

When you write about technology once in a while, you’re bound to get a few Google glitches:

capslock-sleepingi’d use proper capitalization, but my caps-lock key is taking a nap right now…
cool things to do with cameraOK – other than, you know, taking pictures – I’m struggling to think of a second thing you can do with a camera…
digital camera for idiotsPerhaps we just shouldn’t let them take pictures. Then there’d be no need for this product…
excel macro to create family treeClick here for more cousins…
how do i hook up an ethernet cable to the phone lineThose are both wires. I think, perhaps, you should go ask your teenage kids for help.
i phone bursting into flamesYou do? I hope you’re calling 9-1-1…
iphone noseWant to stop and smell the roses? There’s an app for that!
why won’t it let me on webkinz? it says my password is wrongI think perhaps this guy has already found the answer to his question…

3) Hollywood Hilarity

The world of entertainment is never a bad source for, well, entertaining queries:

disney koolaidYou know, it’s one thing to drink the Disney Kool-Aid. It’s quite another to Google around looking for it…
disney wonder bathroom fragranceFor people who want their bathrooms to smell like a Disney cruise ship (see Kool-Aid, Disney above).
simon cowell and mel gibson look alikeTop result of this search: No. No, they don’t. (Editor’s Note: Sadly, not true)
tiger woods facial recognitionHeh…this query probably meant something totally different earlier in the year than it means today.
upgrade r2-d2 to bluray“You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you’re my only hope. Also, if you could upgrade him to blu-ray, that’d be great. Thanks!”
what space shuttle was honored by its use of its name in a star trek movieOK, if you’re thinking “Enterprise,” then I’m sorry to inform you that the shuttle was named for the Star Trek ship, not the other way around…

4) Musical Mirth

This year, several of the more musical queries managed to hit a wrong note or two:

a song about graphs“Because you’re mine. . . . I draw a line.” Or perhaps: “You’re just too good to be true; can’t take my pies off of you.”
billy joel just the way you are analyzedIt’s nine o’clock on a Saturday, the patient lies down on the couch….
does billy joel’s piano have a teleprompterYes, yes it does. Billy Joel’s piano almost never speaks without a script.
good night my angle bill joel“Goodnight my angle?” Would this be “acute” lyric? Or am I being obtuse?
sleeping rappingAnother truly disturbing sleep disorder. I mean, if having two turntables in the bed isn’t disturbing enough, there’s all that noise
whats the name of the song that goes la de da de dum on verizon phoneJeez, I hope they spelled those lyrics correctly. Typos can really negatively affect search results…

5) Isn’t That Ironic?

These were the best of the worst (or something like that):

best bad foodBut if it’s bad food, then how can it be – oh, nevermind…
best error message ever“Your formula contains an error.” Oh, man – that’s a classic. Sometimes I type in wrong formulas on purpose, just to see it…
narcissistic blogsOn the one hand, it’s a bit of an insult that this query led to my blog. On the other hand, the person was looking for it…
new york rangers stadium phone numberYou might want to try Googling Madison Square Garden. Also known as the “World’s Most Famous Arena.” Perhaps they should get a different nickname?

6) Sleeping Around

With a name like I Should Be Sleeping, people are going to ask questions:

i am sleeping all my lifeSleep Googling – a dangerous affliction…
pitchers of people sleepingBecause once you’re ordering four or five sleeping people, it’s just easier to get a pitcher…
violation of sleeping rights“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of a really good nap.”

7) Stupid Criminals

A couple of people broke the laws of common-sense Googling this year:

a picture you killed abraham lincolnThis person apparently believes someone is going to confess to the crime…
does light dissuade criminalsLocal police chief does internet research on his latest crime prevention program: daylight.

8) Funny . . . or maybe a little scary?

These queries were more disturbing than anything else:

air force bloopers“Hey – remember that time when Johnson flew all the way across the Atlantic with his blinker on? That was heee-larious!”
birthday tricks on people like flamingos in the yardThis guy sounds like quite the prankster…
boys hugging houseI know Dorothy said “There’s no place like home,” but this is a bit much, don’t you think?
can i get sick from touching a geicoWell, if you could, I’m guessing they’d offer health insurance too. Perhaps you meant “gecko?”
highway bloggingThe precursor to texting while driving…
what’s wrong with anti semitism?Oh, lord – please let there be more results for this than the one about the bear doing the moon walk (Editor’s Note: 531,000 – proof that some sanity still exists in the world).
zombies funnyOh, yeah – zombies are hilarious. They really kill at the local comedy clubs. (Editor’s Note: sorry…)

9) Generic Google Guffaws

These were so weird, I couldn’t even categorize them:

how many f’s are in this sentenceNow we’re asking Google brain teasers? Did he actually expect an answer?
man in bear suit doing moon walkOh, lord – please let there be, at most, one result for this search. (Editor’s Note: 47,200…)
roughly 25% of us use two of these a day what are they?Again with the trivia? New from Google Labs in 2010: Google Guesses. Give it a riddle, and it tires to guess the answer. Most common result: “Who’s There?”
art turkeysMost popular search result: Vincent Van Gobble…
president electoral vote of 1014-62Well, given that there’s only 538 of them, one can only hope this search produces zero results. (Editor’s Note: 9)

10) A Dirty Mind

And then there’s the porn. Well, not exactly porn, but people who go looking for, shall we say, adult entertainment online, and wind up at my site somehow. Each time I do this, I take solace in the fact that when they got here, I can be pretty sure they were disappointed:

and he’s talking to davy who’s still in the navy +homoOh, come on – it says right there they were just talking
bathing no closeAlso known as “bathing far away?” I don’t think this person Googled what he he Googled…
excel macro suggestivePorn industry continues to innovate. New this year: suggestive macros. “Hey, big boy, click on this button and I’ll fill your column with numbers, if you know what I mean…”
why are there two people making out on my bed when i should be sleepingI’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that maybe it’s not your bed…
how to photograph your naked wifeTip #1: get off of Google and talk to her about it…

Well, there it is: my top 50 queries of 2009. Quite a year, huh?

Topics: Tech Talk | 4 Comments »

4 Responses to “How People Found Me – 2009 Edition”

  1. Lisa says at December 24th, 2009 at 7:44 pm :
    cute brian…i actually laughed more than a few times. actually, almost the whole time. and here i thought it might be tedious to read through.

  2. How People Found Me – 2009 Edition | Verizon iPhone says at December 24th, 2009 at 7:46 pm :
    [...] from: How People Found Me – 2009 Edition No TweetBacks yet. (Be the first to Tweet this post)Tweet This!Share this on FacebookPost this to [...]

  3. Brian says at December 24th, 2009 at 7:49 pm :
    Glad to have exceeded your expectations.

    Also, I put the dirty stuff at the end, because I know that’s the category you find funniest…

  4. Ilya says at January 4th, 2010 at 4:26 pm :
    A riot, as always! Thanks, Brian!


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