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New Rules for Groundhog Day this year…

By Brian | February 2, 2009 | Share on Facebook

Given the current state of the U.S. Economy, the following new rules will be instituted for this year’s annual Groundhog Day celebration festivities:

  1. If Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow when he emerges from his hole tomorrow morning, there will be six more weeks of winter. Similarly, if Timothy Geithner sees his shadow when he emerges from the White House tomorrow morning, there will be six more weeks of Financial Crisis.
  2. If Punxsutawney Phil does not see his shadow, half of his compensation will be deferred over a three year period. Also, strict rules will be imposed as to the amount of wood an executive woodchuck would be allowed to chuck, if indeed he would chuck wood (New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo is currently investigating this point).
  3. If the number of groundhog shadow sightings continues to drop at the current rate, one of two things will happen. Either:
    • Punxsutawney Phil will be laid off and compensation rules for all groundhogs will be imposed by the federal government, or
    • Punxsutawney Phil will receive a substantial grant from the federal TARP program (the Tree-dwelling Animal and Rodent Program). This option will be taken if, upon careful inspection and an official weighing, it is determined that Phil is “too big to fail.”

We hope that these new regulations help to stem the tide of our growing difficulties before similar measures become necessary with regard to Arbor Day, Flag Day, Halloween and Christmas.

Thank you and God Bless America…

Topics: Random Acts of Blogging | 1 Comment »

One Response to “New Rules for Groundhog Day this year…”

  1. Jeff Porten says at February 2nd, 2009 at 10:47 pm :
    Christ, have you seen the economy in Pennsylvania this year? Phil and his entire genus were ground up for “GH McNuggets” six weeks ago. The new holiday is “Chipmunk Day”, expected to be replaced in 2010 by “Squirrel Day”, and finally in 2011 by “Wooden Statue of the Amish Quiltweaver Day”, which hopefully will prove to be less edible.


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